My Eulogy to Grudges: Letting Go of Resentment

Join me for a tongue-in-cheek eulogy to grudges—where holding onto resentment gets the roast it deserves. Discover the upside of letting go and making peace with the past!

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed guests, and everyone else who accidentally walked in here because you thought this was a seminar on how to get rich off Bitcoin—welcome. 

Today, we gather not to mourn, but to celebrate, as we bid farewell to our dear old pal, Grudges—the ultimate hoarder of hurts, the packrat of past pains.

Grudges always had a flair for nostalgia. 

He loved to reminisce, keeping detailed archives of every slight… ready to replay them at all family functions… or during quiet, introspective nights with wine. 

Grudges was born on a rainy day in a playground sandbox.

Little Jenny stole our bucket, and that’s when Grudges clenched his tiny fist for the first time and said, "This will not stand!"

And oh, it stood alright—it stood for decades. 

Grudges then grew up on the playground, nurtured by missed turns at jump rope and "accidental" shoves during dodgeball. 

By middle school, Grudges was a full-fledged drama king.

He thrived on whispered secrets and cafeteria seat saving savagery.

Grudges truly blossomed during those angsty high school dances, whispering sweet vendettas in our ears, as we slow danced awkwardly, arm’s length from our crush …who just wanted to dance with someone else.

Grudges was like, "Hold on to this feeling. Let it fester.”

As an adult, Grudges really came into his own.

He expanded his interests, no longer satisfied with mere social slights. He ventured into the treacherous waters of workplace misunderstandings—like messages marked as read… but never responded to.

Grudges was loyally present, always keeping score, never letting go, because why forgive when you can ferment?

He was like the DJ of our discontent, forever ready with a playlist at every Pity Party, replaying those greatest hits titled "They Did You Wrong" and "Why Let This Go?"

Over the years, Grudges became an artful collector of slights, a curator of every cut-off in traffic, every forgotten birthday. 

He was like a novelist of pain, always ready to add another chapter, but never quite finding the right place to end the story. 

Plus, Grudges had his fun side too.

For example, he loved joyful bonding over shared enemies and laughter over mutual disdain.

But now it’s time to say goodbye. Rest in peace, Grudges, and please—rest quietly. We've got more engaging things to occupy our time now. Truly, anything else.

In lieu of flowers, Grudges has requested that we instead take a moment to shred old petty memories so we can make room for Inner Peace—coming soon to a mindset near you.

Oh - and everybody - please stick around for the reception in the next room, where we'll be serving cake—divided equally… because, well, we've learned our lesson.